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A fantasy that was never there before, grew into a need.
It is understandable. Rest assured. I can read you very well.
By giving up the control, you free yourself to experience the fullness of the moment. There is no need to wonder about what to do next, your partners satisfaction, or anything other than the feelings you are experiencing at any given moment. You can fully experience the "now", and in doing so become a creature of the senses.
I know that somewhere inside you is a sensual wanton creature. You have maintained the mask of a proper lady so long that you actually fear what you most need and desire - the freedom to be that sensual wanton creature. The conflict between the lady and that creature must be difficult.
If you really want me to go away, just don't wear the white tights next week. In the mean time, think about the things I have said. You'll know I'm right.
Until next week,
James As I sat at my desk in my bedroom and read this note, I felt my stomach tighten. The effect this stranger had on me was frightening. It was like he could see into the dark corners of my mind. I caught myself squeezing my crossed legs together rhythmically. I was on the verge of an orgasm just sitting there reading this guys note.
I didn't know what to do. I was all but paralyzed with indecision. Over the course of a couple of little E-mail notes, this stranger managed to kick out the props holding up a false self image. I couldn't share this with Matt. He was so involved in his dissertation. Besides, I was always the one to take initiative.
I spent the weekend thinking about what to do. I finally decided to ride this a little farther. I could always just stop. Maybe I could get control of my world with a little interaction with "James". On Monday morning I sat in front of my computer and tried to compose a note.
FROM: Get_ [email protected] TO: [email protected]
SUBJECT: Re: White Tights!
Some of what you have said to me may have a grain of truth to it. I would be interested in talking with you about what you have said. Can we meet and talk?
The response from James surprised me.
FROM: [email protected] TO: Get_ [email protected]
SUBJECT: White Tights!
Your note was amusing. You cannot regain what you have lost by meeting with me under your conditions. You should not try. Limiting your desires only weakens them.
If you are truly interested in exploring this side of you, you know what to do.
That son-of-a-bitch! He managed to see right through my plan. He knew me so well. I was scared. How could I let go? How could I meet his terms? Did I want to meet those terms? I was back in a quandary.
It was with a shaky hand that I drew my white tights from their place in my bureau drawer the next day. I knew that by wearing them I was overtly admitting to something I had long denied. Admitting to myself that there was a hidden side of me was not easy. The admission gave it reality.
The admission also had other effects, as well. I spent the day in a state of hyper self-awareness. I was in touch with my body as I ran the aerobics classes. It was as if is was personally familiar with each individual muscle as I moved. I felt every follicle move and tug as I turned my head and shook my hair. Each breath like liquid oxygen filling my lungs. Knowing that at some point in the day he would see the white tights and know they were a sign of me passing control to James had supercharged my senses.
At the same time that this increased self awareness was coursing through me, I was pretty disassociated with the world around me. I could barely maintain a conversation with co-workers at the gym. After my aerobics class there are usually a handful of people who come up and chat with me. It was all I could do to smile and respond. I knew that someone would see me in those white tights today and know what they meant. Every time I saw a new face I wondered if it were James.
Three long days went by before he sent another note.