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New WWF star gets a warm welcome.

I walked out of the pub but there were people there chatting so I moved around into the side ally..."

My voice faltered, not for the first time by any means but I nearly choked as I forced myself to run through every memory and relate it to Joel.

"I turned my back to the people at the end of the ally, concentrating on my phone call. The next thing I knew was John, the guy from the pub had a knife to my throat and my mobile was thrown to the floor, his voice, which had been smooth and seductive beforehand had turned harsh and evil. He told me what a stupid little fag I was for believing I could even think about having him. How naive I was, letting me know how everyone hated gay men, how I would never find anyone to love a little queer like me. His words brought every fear and doubt I had ever had into stark realisation. The knife he held to my throat pressed against my skin until I couldn't distinguish whether the pain was just pain or whether he had cut deep into my skin.

And then I was on the floor, his words cutting me to the core; he ripped my trousers down and pushed his hand around my throat. I could hardly breath, the emotional and physical pain bled into one until the knife ripped into my abdomen, he made sure I felt every bit of pain he intended to cause me. He told me how he would mark me for life, how even if I ever got someone to fuck my tight virgin ass they would see the scars he had given me and would know I was worthless. He raised the knife to my cheek, all the while telling me how he would take my precious good looks and turn me into the freak I was so all the world could see. My mind and body had given up, all I felt was pain, long after he had gone and the ambulance arrived it was still like he was there, towering over me."

The huge heaving breaths I was having to take between each hiccuping crying session became to much, I succumbed to it and let myself cry. When I awoke the sun had started to filter through my window, I knew instinctively Joel was no longer there and I wanted to curl into a ball and cry myself to seep once more. But once again I hauled myself out of bed and into the shower feeling the sense of loss and betrayal cut through me as I went about my daily routine on autopilot.

I had a scolding hot shower, my skin tingling from the heat and yet I shivered as I pulled on my clothes and headed for the gym.

The classes I had that day cleared my head a little but that numbness never left, I knew I wouldn't let myself cry again anytime soon. I could still feel Joel on my skin, still see his eyes so deep with emotion and even after my shower I could still smell his scent on my skin.

When I returned home that evening it was all I could do to crawl into bed even though sleep failed me.

I moved away from the light emitting through my window pulling the pillow over my eyes, as I did so a small piece of paper crumpled against my skin. As I lifted the piece of paper into my line of vision, the doorbell rang and the piece of paper fluttered to the floor almost forgotten as I walked down the hall to the door. I guess I wasn't really thinking anything when I opened the door, and there was Joel.

Thoughts and feelings crashed over me like a wave, all the memories of last night and the previous week came flooding back, and suddenly it was too much. I stumbled backwards and a strangled half cry escaping my lips, I tried to say something tried to tell him to go but all I could do was shake my head wildly. I started to back away as quick as I could, all too soon I felt Joel's strong arms reach around me just as I started to fall.

"Ryan? For gods sake what happened? Talk to me... Please Ryan"

His voice was panicked and I couldn't understand why he was acting as if he didn't know.

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